Clinton Claims Victory on Moon

Now that the election is over and campaign insiders are spilling the beans on what really happened, I'm happy to be able to reproduce for you news articles that were TOO HOT to report! Ripped from the news wire! Buried under the shed! Behold!

June 2008 - TRANQUILITY BASE, The Moon (AP) -- Sen. Hillary Clinton claimed victory on The Moon on Thursday and insisted that she is leading Sen. Barack Obama in the popular vote.

Clinton won 68 percent of the vote compared with Obama's 30 percent and two percent reporting undecided.

The win gives Clinton the larger share of The Moon's 0 delegates.

"When the voting concludes on Tuesday, neither Sen. Obama nor I will have the number of delegates to be the nominee," she said from a specially designed soundstage built to resemble the Sea of Tranquility.

"I will lead the popular vote; he will maintain a slight lead in the delegate count," she said.

The Clinton campaign has been focusing on the popular vote as it tries to convince superdelegates to pick her instead of Obama. The superdelegates are a group of about 800 party leaders and officials who vote at the convention for the candidate of their choice.

In the The Moon primary, Clinton swept Obama in every major demographic group, including groups Obama generally wins, such as igneous voters and lower-oxygen environment voters, according to exit polls.

"Most people on The Moon, I would venture to guess, they are not even aware that there's a primary going on," said L∆Ω §œ∑-ß∂ƒ, a local political analyst.

Part of the reason for the lack of interest, he said, is because voters feel the primary isn't meaningful since The Moon cannot vote in the general election.

The Democratic and Republican parties run the primaries and caucuses, and they allow U.S. territories to take part in the process. This is only the eighth Presidential election since Apollo astronauts claimed the planetoid as a U.S. territory in 1969.

President Reagan successfully urged both parties to disallow Moon-based polling prior to the 1984 election. The move was regarded as a pre-emptive strike against Strategic Defense Initiative, or "Star Wars," criticisms.

Moon polling was reinstated after the announcement of the Space Exploration Initiative by President George H. W. Bush in 1989. As Vice President and National Space Council chairman Dan Quayle famously explained to reporters, "[The Moon] is essentially in the same orbit as us, why wouldn't it not have the same rights as any of her people?"

But only the 50 states and the District of Columbia vote in the general election.

emotion, Human

I spat this out in a rush of words tonight at someone who wasn't interested: About a week ago, I looked out my window - just off to my right, peripherally within view even now - and formed the only recent memory I have of feeling startled, shocked, afraid. There was, at altogether too low an altitude, a zeppelin. It appeared at approximately news helicopter height or lower, bearing straight toward (and ultimately over and beyond,) my apartment, and my window. Not the sort of thing that -ought- to be scary, but there you go.

This irrational fear is exciting and remarkable to me because of what a rare thing it is to feel something so vividly. The default position for someone about where I happen to be is, I think, 'couched in irony,' and it's a pretty thick layer. The only time I can remember being red-in-the-face embarrassed (my favorite request to make of professional actors) was in a Borders bookstore - the kind in Ohio in which a fellow can spend a day reading things, like a library, but not like a crowded and tiny LA bookstore or LA library, whose chief function is in the field of hobo naps. I saw a familiar clerk with an armful of periodicals collected from the various comfy chairs in the store, as he went about sighing and restocking the magazine shelves....just as I was about to make my way to the comfy chair section with a fresh armload of magazines I intended to read for free.

I tried to take still photos at dusk, and as you can see, they mainly fail at suggesting the size, speed, and proximity of the airship. As the thing flew directly overhead, I realized what I needed instead was video.

zeppliphoto

Good honest politics.

 

This isn't a post about Prop 8, this is a post about this banner ad.  I'd say it's about as useful and informative as any political ad I've ever seen.  It belongs right in between those ads that say "firefighters want you to support initiative 17A this Novermber" without ever mentioning what the hell initiative 17A is, and an ad that says "Vote no on initiative 17A this November, because we want you to so much that we bought an advertisement."

EDIT: Apparently, more people are up in arms about their google ads running that Prop 8 thing (legislative branch action to ban same sex marriages after the judicial branch found them acceptable) regardless of relevance or adsense filters that may have been in place.  Kind of like the Emergency Broadcast System, but with more hate than usual. And here I've gone and put it up on my own ad-free site anyway, just for being goofy-lookin'.

Hold Everything!

Wait! Stop! I've just been struck! With wonder! Was 'Night Court' an inherently goofy premise? Or are there really courts open at night? I have no idea, but on other programs, it seems like when you get arrested you go into the cell until morning. Or...something. I thought they worked on banker's hours, pretty much.

Not dissimilarly, you've got the phrase 'go in, guns blazing, rambo style!' Or at least the sentiment. But wasn't his style more of a divide-and-conquer thing? Lots of lethal traps? Sneak up behind you with a knife? There's so much out there to learn from things I haven't watched yet!

A little casual racism...

I recently discovered a delightful OSX application called Monolingual. It's designed to remove unused alternate language packs from your mac.  As you can imagine, I was relieved not only to regain nearly a gigabyte of hard disk space, but to rid my machine of all that horrible Portuguese!

It's times like these one can really make the most of an arbitrary, baseless prejudice.  Take that, Portugal!