Wow. Just... wow. This one took an hour or two.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: I don't think I can ever love you.
Stranger: why not
You: too strange.
Stranger: what do u want to do then
You: I'm not opposed to a civil union, for the tax and insurance benefits as much as anything.
Stranger: north korea
You: and maybe, in time, love will come, but it's got a long road ahead.
You: Also: separate beds. You snore a lot, and you were never a satisfying lover.
You: I'm sorry to unload these, well, blunt truths all at once, but the therapist says it's the only way.
Stranger: are u crazy
You: If not for the kids, I think I would have left you in the 1980s.
Stranger: danm your old
You: After that thing with you and the stewardess.
Stranger: she was hot
Stranger: do u love samuel l jackson?
You: damn you terry! damn you! why couldn't you ever say -I- was hot?
You: always with that stewardess!
Stranger: im sorry but i knew u had a thing for samuel
You: And don't think that I don't know you put our son up to suggesting we name the dog lacey. He just -happened- to come up with her name when we were naming the beagle?
You: are you kidding me, terry?
Stranger: i love beagles
Stranger: i use to have one
Stranger: it ran away
You: It was a good dog, but I hated it so much because of you.
Stranger: beagles are so good
You: As if you didn't know!
Stranger: i loved our beagle
You: It never ran away, Terry. It's buried under that stupid "time capsule" you put in the back yard.
You: If only you loved me the way you loved that damned beagle!
Stranger: but jen
Stranger: i love u
You: don't you 'but jen' me!
Stranger: jen please
You: it's always the same with you!
Stranger: stop doing this to me
You: oh, that's rich, I'm the one doing this to you now?
You: I suppose I'm the one making you run around with that tramp on the third weekend of every month then?
Stranger: but i always gave u what you wanted
You: I didn't want all that bullshit, I wanted a husband!
Stranger: how did you know
Stranger: i am your husband
Stranger: i gave you everything!
Stranger: cars, jewelry, i put food on your table!
You: I wanted someone who would spend time with the kids in the evening, I wanted someone who would clean beagle leavings out of the yard, I wanted someone who cared!
Stranger: and I pleased you in bed like how you wanted it
Stranger: Baby, I WORK, i cant spend time with the kids every evening
Stranger: do you want me to quit my job?
Stranger: What did you do? nothing
Stranger: all you did was stay home all day and do who knows what
Stranger: for all i know you could have had someone over
You: I can count every time you tried to 'please' me, because we have another mouth to feed for each and every one!
You: our so-called sex life is old enough to vote!
You: And terry: I -never- cheated on you.
Stranger: so you were acting? i thought u enjoyed are sex life
You: And you know what's worse? I wish I had!
You: "Don't sink down to his level" they told me.
You: "Make him rise to yours" they said. What a load of trash!
Stranger: Your friends are stupid
You: oh, and the poker club is some kind of brain trust?!
Stranger: i have a secret
Stranger: your friend jessica....
Stranger: she jumped on me...
You: pshh, who hasn't she jumped on? All the more reason the separate beds are a good idea.
You: I knew she'd done it when I saw you scratching more than usual.
Stranger: you probably have it too...
You: the hell I do!
Stranger: you do, i saw you shave it off
You: more proof you don't know what the hell is going on down there.
You: I don't even do your laundry in our washer anymore. I don't need the kids getting a nasty surprise like that.
You: And speaking of surprises, that bottle of scotch was for my dad's birthday next month.
Stranger: well your dad is a jackass and he doesnt deserve scotch
Stranger: he deserves shitty beer
You: if you're going to take it, at least have the balls to own up to it, It's pretty obvious when the wax seal is broken.
Stranger: Yes I drank it
You: and it's just your damn money that's going to go to a fresh bottle anyway.
Stranger: so what big deal
You: the "big deal" is that you're going around with your '8 months sober' pin and it's a damned lie
You: ...as anyone who has been in a room with you and that breath can tell in an instant.
You: it makes a mockery of the program, is what it does.
You: I wouldn't be surprised to see you're back into the nosecandy again too.
Stranger: im cutting off your funds
You: Is THAT why you don't want me to see the bank accounts anymore?
Stranger: I GOT FIRED
Stranger: there secrets out
Stranger: i didnt know how to tell you
Stranger: bank funds? there are no bank funds
You: I could tell two months ago when they bulldozed your old office, you bastard!
You: you coward!
Stranger: and you still buy the kids barbies and toys left and right
Stranger: and you come home with shopping bags
You: if YOU can pretend, and YOU can still drive 28 miles each day as though you're roundtripping to the office, then SO CAN I!
Stranger: WHERE do you get this money?
Stranger: i NEED to know one thing... its samuel isnt it
You: bah, who needs money? Barbie wants to be free.
You: And I told you - I DIDN'T CHEAT!
You: I could've. Oh MAN, I could've, but I didn't!
Stranger: U NEVER told me where that disgusting THING came from on your upper lip
You: Terry, that's a birthmark.
Stranger: That is no birthmark
Stranger: DONT BS with me
You: show a little class for once, yeah? I've had it since you've known me.
Stranger: A birthmark does not suddenly appear overnight
You: Get out the yearbook, it's always been there.
Stranger: What about you shaving?
You: What ABOUT my shaving?
Stranger: We havent had sex in months
You: damn straight we haven't. And you're not getting anywhere near me since that Jessica nonsense.
You: It's not like Rhonda, Rhoda, Seamus, and Eamonn need another little sibling anyhow.
Stranger: why would you shave
You: It makes me feel beautiful, okay? It makes me feel young, and desirable, and like a woman
You: like all the things you DON'T make me feel!
Stranger: I GAVE you everything you wanted?
Stranger: I DID didnt I
Stranger: I am taking the kids to my moms
You: What you gave me was gin. And a ride home after the football game. And Rhoda.
Stranger: I cant have the kids live with such a crazy monster like you
Stranger: Rhoda was your fault you danm hoe
You: That whore? MY children aren't going anywhere near her place, and you sure as HELL aren't taking them out of state! I'll call the cops!
Stranger: YOU ruined my COLLEGE education
Stranger: I HAD TO DROP OUT becuase of you
You: You ruined my high school education!
Stranger: WHY did you have to throw yourself onto me
You: You should've gone to jail, not to the altar!
You: I'm sure I DIDN'T but if I had to guess, the same gin that kept me from remembering that night probably kept me from being able to stand up straight
Stranger: jen you were a silly hoe in high school
You: you're out of your mind
Stranger: you even got with mr. jackson, out PE teacher
You: Hah! You thought that rumor was about me? That was totally Jen Pora.
You: You wasted your whole life chasing after the wrong skirt!
Stranger: NO that WAS YOU
Stranger: Ms. Hoe, class of 75
Stranger: that was your nickname remember?
You: in your dreams, you horrible he-slut!
You: and anyway, it's spelled Hoer.
Stranger: Go walk the streets where you belong
You: not like taking YOUR name was so much better.
Stranger: I was an allstar football player in HS and could have gone all the way if it werent for you
You: I'd say you've been all the way plenty of times, with and without me.
Stranger: Can we please work this out?
You: You know what Kim told me at mahjong this week? "If a woman sleeps around, she's called a slut, but what do you call a man that sleeps with anything that moves? Terry!"
You: Believe me, I'd -like- to work it out, I just don't know how to stop fighting with you.
Stranger: Kim is a slut
Stranger: all your friends are sluts
Stranger: i guess they learned from you
You: THIS is why we can't work it out!
You: Why would you say something like that?
Stranger: Because you always start these fights
Stranger: Why cant you just stop
You: Is it the booze again? Are you on the booze?
You: You know there are 12 steps in AA right? Don't you ever wonder about the back 11?
Stranger: I AM NOT AN ALCHOLIC
Stranger: YOUR FATHER IS
Stranger: AND SAME WITH YOUR MOTHER
You: My FATHER is a WAR HERO, and he deserves all the comfort this nation can afford him!
Stranger: dont give me that go to AA bs
Stranger: if anything you should do AA
You: good god, maybe those back 11 steps can wait, since you clearly are nowhere near mastering step 1
You: I'll try to let the horrible things you've said pass, Terry, because I know you don't mean them, and I know you don't even know what you're saying right now.
Stranger: i knower sorryy baby ive been a horibble husband
You: but I'll tell you, when rhonda and rhoda and seamus and eamonn and I go to mass on sunday, I've got half a mind to not even pray for you.
Stranger: your rightt
Stranger: Dont tell the kids whats going on with us
You: the kids aren't stupid. or deaf.
Stranger: seamus is retarted
You: and eamonn's almost 13 now. Smurf dolls are no longer an acceptable bribe in exchange for his emotions
Stranger: do you know why? becuase you drank heavily with him in you
You: Seamus is dyslexic, he's not retarded.
Stranger: WAHT EVER
Stranger: SAME THING
Stranger: HES STUPID BECAUSE OF YOU
You: my real regret was the time I drank heavily with YOU in me.
Stranger: DONT BLAME THE DRANK
Stranger: blame the hoe inside of you
You: Terry, I think you need to calm down
Stranger: I CANT
Stranger: IM PISSED
Stranger: YOU always give me shit
Stranger: I DONT KNOW how long i can take it
You: Well than have some sanka and sober the hell up
You: I'm done with being the neighbors' entertainment for one night
Stranger: i need to go
Stranger: go out of the country
Stranger: away from you
You: we're lucky if they haven't called the cops already, the way you're yelling
Stranger: i cant stand you
You: Well then call a cab
Stranger: im driving
You: I can't have you wrecking the Nova
You: I need to be able to drive the kids to school
Stranger: the nova is already a wreck
Stranger: tell them to walk
You: Well at least it still has all its windows, unlike the taurus.
Stranger: i have to go
Stranger: for real lol
You: you keep your lols to yourself, buddy
Stranger: lol this was interesting
You: fine then
You: and don't step in beagle leavings on your way out
Stranger: ill be back im going out for a smoke
You: oh great. Great. Now you're smoking again.
You: I thought we agreed you were stopping.
You: It's bad for the kids, it's bad for me, it's even bad for you.
You: even if I don't know why I should care about THAT
Stranger: I SMOKE TO relieve the stress you cause me
You: I cause you stress because you SMOKE
You: my kids don't need that poison in their lungs
Stranger: i dont smoke in front of the kids
Stranger: i would never harm the kids
You: and I don't need that stink all over my porch, and the clothes you bring in my house
Stranger: where r u from
Stranger: it was a fun talk
Stranger: have a nice day jen i love u