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Written by Rob Schultz (human).

The Dialysis, or, How to Interpret Dually

In 2001, Luke Meeken and Rob Schultz wrote a silly script for the Speech & Debate (Forensics) event Duo Interpretation.  Although primarily concerned with the rules and form of the event, this was in patent violation of tournament rules. Ever since, they have done their best to help get the script into the hands of new performers, and done whatever possible to help make it as legit as can be in their various regions and districts.

To our knowledge, various cuttings of The Dialysis have been entered in a national-level competition no less than six times in a ten-year span, which is a heck of a lot better than we ever did with the thing.  As far as we're aware, coaches from opposing schools still hate it.

Among the legitimizing steps we've taken that have had the broadest reach for enterprising young performers are typesetting a printed copy, and acquiring an ISBN for that printed edition.

Facts about the Print Edition:

  • 30 pages, spiral bound for easy reference during rehearsals.
  • ISBN-13: 978169585-893-7
  • Contains the complete original performance edition of the script, as well as extra features including what we did during the improv bits, "Your guide to WHOOSHING like a professional," "Teach your dog to play dead!",  an exchange rate joke, and vague promises of a new edition.

Information on Ordering the Print Edition:

  • Available direct from the authors!
  • Sold in sets of 2 (one per performer) at $10/book.
  • Optional, identical, extra Coach's copy available with each order ($10).
  • Shipping method of your choice not included.
  • Shipping price list:
    • $1000 - Hand delivered by author(s) anywhere in the continental United States.
    • $??? - UPS or FedEx, including overnight delivery, to wherever you are. (price based on distance and speed). 
    • $5 - Regular US Postal Service.
    • $0 - You will own the books, but they'll be stored here with the remainder of the unsold copies.
  • All orders are shipped promptly, but if you require special treatment or rush overnight shipping, please be in touch to let us know.
  • Print shipments often come with discs of other neat stuff the authors have produced in the meantime.
  • See purchase options below!

What we offer:

  • The best duo interpretation script ever!
  • You are not required to purchase the book in order to perform the piece. It's online for free!  (Although the print version has fewer typos...)
  • You'd be a lot happier and more well-liked if you did…
  • We will do just about anything we reasonably can to help your performance be above board and on the level.  This has lead to the publication of the script in local newspapers and the infamous Kentucky Shark Edition!
  • Rob is pretty keen to make an iBooks version sometime.

Our humble requests:

  • If you're performing The Dialysis, please TELL US.  We hear from several teams each season, and our web traffic suggests they are not alone.
  • The primary reason we want to know when someone is doing this piece is: we think it's neat.
  • Some teams have sent us their specific cuttings, which is pretty cool.
  • Fewer teams have sent us copies of their ballots, but sometimes there's one from an especially delighted or confused judge, which is even cooler.
  • No team has ever sent us an audio or video recording of their performance.  It's the age of tubes, humans!  What does a national-quality performance of this thing look like?  We have no idea.

(this page replaces the 2004-era page of similar information.)

Information on the Oort Cloud can be found at

Fans of the Dialysis may be interested in the Frequency Earth Podcast, which is almost entirely written by Rob.  He thinks it might be suitable for Forensical interpretation, or just fun to listen to.

Purchase Here!

The Dialysis Print Edition
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